The Art of Authentic Self Care

“Self care. ” What does it mean for you? Maybe it’s a Sunday afternoon wrapped in a cozy blanket, absorbed in a favorite novel, or a soothing walk on the beach at sunset? Perhaps it’s that warm glow after a restorative yoga class, or the satiety following tasty, nutrient rich cuisine? Whatever your idea, we all engage in self care activities striving for the same goal: a sense of well being and ultimately, happiness. However the term self care can be vague and when the nature of genuine self care is misunderstood, it can become a mechanism to continually feed one’s own selfishness rather than as a mechanism to foster one’s true well being. In fact we can actually block real nurturing when self care is misapplied and done for the the wrong reasons. What we often fail to realize is that there are two levels of self care: a kind of superficial, pseudo self care that primarily comes from the ego, and a deeper, more authentic self care that comes from the soul. Although on the surface both pseudo and authentic self care may look the same, it is the intent and state of mind that sets the levels apart. We may do all the right actions, but if we do not go deep enough into the core of what true self care means, we fall short of giving ourselves the well being and nurturing that we really need for a contented and happy life.

Pseudo self care vs authentic self care

Self care for most people translates into taking care of the physical body. This means things like getting a massage, going to the gym or eating healthy. If you are a little more savvy, you recognize caring for the mind is important too, and you do things like listen to music, read a book or just take a day dreaming break and let your mind wander. But that’s only half the story, and if you stop here, you stay on the surface in pseudo self care.

If you look underneath the hood of pseudo self care, you’ll find ego is running the engine. When you approach self care from this level, the intent is getting for oneself and the ego is always looking to gain something. Because it springs from a mindset of lack, people engage in this level of self care in an attempt to fill the holes, change what they believe is broken or to try to add value to themselves. Even though one may experience temporary periods of gratification from the self care “fix”, the energy will quickly run out and leave a recurring sense of being empty, unfulfilled and wanting for more. Self care at this level is run exclusively by the mind and involves constant doing and thinking: the mind invents lists of things you need to feel better, and even more things to do to be happy. This leaves a person focused entirely on themselves and what they need, in an endless quest to “get.” In the end, the selfishness of pseudo self care never results in the genuine well being, fulfillment and contentment for which it is looking.

Authentic self care, on the other hand, is where real self advocacy and nurturing lies. Some of the surface actions like getting a massage or going to the gym may mirror those of pseudo self care, but this type of care comes from a deeper level that includes not only body and mind but essence, too. It could be more accurately called soulful self care because it is guided by the heart, not the mind. This level wants healing and is not concerned with getting. It is based on a perception that one is already intact, and actions reflect a generosity towards oneself and others. It’s end game is not to add anything but is to cultivate enduring states of being such as contentment and equanimity, and is based on strengthening the qualities of gratitude, respect, and kindness to oneself. It is characterized by a sense of maintaining the wholeness that is already there. For self care to be authentic, effective and ultimately fulfilling, it must encompass this deeper level.

To illustrate this difference, let’s take the example of getting a haircut. At the pseudo self care level, it starts with a feeling of deficiency. The mind begins thinking of ways to fix the problem, and imagines a new haircut will provide the feeling of well being and satisfaction that is missing. You get a haircut and for a short time feel a sense of gratification, and there is an energy shot from the approval and attention of others. You imagine you have added value to yourself and there is a pleasing sense of gain. However, because the energy of feeling cared for is dependent on sources outside yourself, the warmth of well being soon dissipates and reverts back to that feeling of deficiency. The whole cycle starts again, with the mind thinking up new ways to alleviate the lack, and you are caught on an endless wheel of self concern.

At the soulful self care level, the desire to get a haircut starts from a feeling of adequacy. The activity is prompted by the heart and is not a decision made by the mind’s thinking or imagining. The haircut is seen as a way to support and foster the sense of wholeness that already exists. You get a haircut, and now there is a sustained feeling of care that truly feeds well being because, at this level, the haircut comes from a place of honoring oneself, rather than trying to seek gain for oneself. When actions come from the deeper core of yourself it serves to nurture you from the inside rather than providing a temporary energy boost from the outside. As a result of experiencing actual fulfillment, there is freedom from perpetual self concern, and a generous spirit can emerge.

Any self care action such as getting a haircut is, in and of itself, entirely neutral. But it’s the why beneath the why. Is the intent for a haircut because you are looking to get something and add value to yourself, or because there is a spirit of giving and you want to honor the you that is complete? This misplacement of intent is how pseudo self care blocks real nurturing: by focusing exclusively on the outside as one’s source of fulfillment, one never looks inward. The heart is not listened to and the qualities that are the foundation of authentic happiness, such as trust, equanimity, and having/being enough are never recognized, much less cultivated. True self care must begin from within, because at the core, feeling fulfilled is an inside job, and requires you to listen to your individual heart. Self care is misapplied when it is an invention of the mind and does not originate from the heart.

So how does one move from pseudo self care into authentic self care? How does one start from a place of adequacy? Creating space through a meditation practice or an activity that encourages self reflection and a listening silence is critical. Time spent here will help you recognize and connect to the deeper self that is complete, sound and well. The next step is to actually listen to the messages that come up from this place of integrity. Messages from the core are like a firmly rooted, settled type of “knowing” that you feel solidly behind your chest, whereas messages from the mind have a thinner, directorial, more scattered and anxious feel to them around the solar plexis. If you find the mind is in charge, a good solution is to think of something that is abundant in your life and focus on that feeling of enoughness, then sit with it until the mind quiets a little bit and you experience a more settled state of calm. Then listen again. The “what to do to take care of yourself” messages that come up may be identical for both pseudo self care and authentic self care, but now the “how to do it” will be different because guidance is coming from a deeper place, and is the key to whether actual caring for the self happens. You can ask yourself, “is the action offered as an act of love and respect to my inner being or as self aggrandizement for my ego? The same action can be self serving or selfless, depending on intent. Connection to your core self is how you let the true nurturing and healing in and is what turns that Sunday morning wrapped in a blanket from a day of self indulgence into the happiness and well being of authentic self care.